Valentine’s Day Is Coming Where Is Your -
Relax. Okay? Valentine’s is coming, sure, but don’t ask about a significant other whom I’ve yet to identify. I remember when that quip first gained traction, how funny it was, and how we all laughed, even though we felt a bit dragged. However, not to make something deeper than what it is, but why the fixation on asking the single person where their partner is during a time when we can barely leave our homes, much less meet people to potentially engage in a relationship?
Since the dawn of Tinder, I have been dating online. Not a bad experience, just different; and it requires a very different set of skills in comparison to dating in real life. Firstly, a commitment to communication is paramount. Where we could get away with not asking the important questions in real life for a few dates, dating online requires each person to cut to the chase. “Are you on this app to get laid or to be engaged?” This isn’t to suggest that you ask someone if they’re looking to get married off the cuff, save that question for later; but it’s important to discern whether they’re looking to be engaged in a relationship. More particularly, it’s important to identify what type of relationship they’re seeking.
The excuse of “it’s a pandemic, I’m not looking for anything serious” is a cop out in my opinion. Upon receipt of this type of reaction, excuse yourself to the next match and continue the journey to your next big love. However, for some, dating is getting to know different people, being entertained with the potential for romance to ensue, and/or make a meaningful connection that isn’t predicated by commitment. Whatever chosen, stick to it, adjust where possible, or leave where it becomes impossible to continue.
For argument’s sake, let’s believe that a meaningful connection is derived from online dating. You really like the person you matched with, you’re no longer interested in getting to know other people, you want to be with them. I’ve always thought it strange that the question of “what are we” is more used than stating what you want the relationship to be. For example, in 2020, I stated I was oversubscribed and underwhelmed by situation-ships and anything less than romance. I put it in my bio to effectively communicate that I was unavailable for anything less than a romantic relationship.
Personally, my default setting is not monogamy, so I’ve always left room to negotiate the concept of exclusivity. Some partners operate well and thrive in non-monogamous relationships, while others don’t, so it’s important to consider this before concluding the nature of the relationship. Generally, if someone asks “What are we,” they have an idea of what they want to be. Instead of excluding your preferred outcome from the conversation, state your desired relationship and engage the person you’ve been dating on whether that is something they want.
Now, this could go one of two ways. First, they could be in agreement with what you’ve proposed. Please, ride off into the sunset of relationship bliss. Alternatively, they could be opposed to the relationship you’ve proposed. In this instance, you’ve got a choice to make, albeit either choice will end in dissatisfaction. Either you stop dating that individual, or you carry on, business as usual. In both instances, your wants aren’t met, which will create difficulty for you in some way. But that’s the thing about dating, sometimes, you have no business being in a relationship with that individual, and other times, being their partner is the greatest position to play.
