Cool girls demand justice

With public health emergencies cropping up ever so often, war in Europe, a global recession on the horizon, and a mental illness epidemic rocking everyone, it feels as if the 21st century is in its flop era. To make matters worse, it has become upsettingly clear that the likelihood of receiving long format love letters and well thought out performances of affection are not commonplace in 2022. Where is the everyday romance? More especially, why has the performance of sentiment become so quiet? 

As a 25-year-old woman in South Africa with liberal political ideals and strong social-political comprehension, dating is a game of playing hide-and-seek with red flags. I can’t be alone in this sentiment, but as a romantic, I won’t be deterred. Fergie said it best, after one romance has failed “My world is crushed and I'm all alone // The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back”. 

There was a time when fasting, abstinence, and self flagellation in the name of keeping ardent sentiment or romantic relationships alive were noble to me. Now, as a woman who acknowledges that the world might be a bit too hard, it’s time to make space for ugly feelings that are often relegated to corners. I don’t care if it’s seen to be “doing too much”, I’ve decided to be radically honest about how I feel. At the end of time, all that will be left is a corpse loaded with formaldehyde and a spirit pregnant with unexpressed feelings; so, for whom, exactly is the performance of nonchalant “Cool Girl” for, if not for my well-being?

With Hollywood depictions of romance, it’s obvious that the world each blockbuster creates is loaded with idealism and fiction. Do they honestly expect us to believe the majority of love stories end in romance? In the wise words of The Wife’s Mandisa, “This is the real world!” Nevertheless, on-screen romance can be translated to real life experiences, but this would call for justice for romantics. 

Leaning into my digital community of romantics, to achieve justice for romantics, we need to pay more attention to a few things…

Intimacy isn’t exclusively sexual

One romantic described that they often experienced lovers who were more interested in sex than cultivating intimacy in other ways. Granted they also shared that the sex, in their experieence, wasn’t as much about love, but rather desire. The five love languages, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts, are effective at cultivating intimacy in a relationship. However, we don’t always receive love in the same way that our partners communicate it, so it’s valuable to be considerate to these differences. It’s also important to remember that an action performed may not indicate love, which is why at some point all of us need to be affirmed, regardless of a person’s preferred love language. 

Fear is natural, reassurance is the only response

In the past month, two of my friends have sought my input about their relationships. In both instances, one partner expressed feelings of fear, that expression was met without immediate reassurance, and feelings were tested. Fear is natural, it’s hardwired into our species, why demonize or respond coldly to it? As people, it’s hard to be sure of others, particularly when so many aren’t even sure of themselves. The only way to neutralize fear is to consider answering the question, “How do I make you feel confident”. 

Love cannot be proud

With so many people advocating for “killing your ego”, it’s important to note that ego is not inherently negative or positive. In fact, it’s the cornerstone of who we are. By definition, “ego” is “a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance”. The issue is when a person’s ego is rooted in indulgent pride that makes them act out, for lack of a better term. “What about isidima” is a question that must always be considered in relationships. 

Love cannot be proud, but it should respect one’s dignity; particularly dignity as it exists in a world that isn’t dictated by restrictive standards between people. 

Recovering after disagreement is more important than the disagreement itself

Romance is not a Rambo film. You are not running through your love life like the Tomb Raider.  Be gentle. This is to say that when disagreements arise in romance, consider the mutual desire to stay together in order to lead how you go about addressing the dispute. At the same time, it’s important to know which disagreements do not have the possibility of recovery. For example, if your deal breaker has been broken, there’s not as much chance of recovery in comparison to another conflict point in the relationship. Additionally, the presence of disagreement does not mean that the relationship isn’t loving, even the closest families disagree on things. Regardless, where there is mutual desire and possibility of recovery, solving disputes with that in mind makes for a much smoother romantic experience. 

In conclusion, romance is put to the back burner for many reasons. Sometimes, there just isn’t enough emotional bandwidth and physical presence to allocate to a partner. In other instances, recovering from a lost love takes up all of our energy at times. Nevertheless, regardless of the rationale, justice for romantics looks like consideration and mindfulness. Where there isn’t clarity, communicate that you can’t see. Where there is doubt, express it gently once you’ve created a safe space. Romance flourishes in the spaces where dignity resides, occupy those spaces and be radically honest about all feelings, ugly or ardent.