‘Staying’: An Act of Defiance After Trauma & Tragedy
A few people close to me know the story about an encounter I had leading up to my 27th birthday last year. During a Mother’s Day brunch, I find myself in a conversation with an influential businesswoman who doubles as a medium in her personal time. She tells me that she can see that I have decided to stay - she is referring to staying alive. In this exchange, she is expanding on the infamous ‘27 club’ as more than a conspiracy in pop culture. Through a story about a horrific car accident that her son survived unscathed at the same age, she goes on to express the connection and significance between this particular number in relation to artists who have battled, very specifically, with addiction, suicidal thoughts and the likes; as well as the way in which the universe responds accordingly to one’s desires depending on which side of the line your spirit decides to sit on. In closing, she alerted me to brace myself because it was about to become darker than I have ever experienced and could possibly begin to imagine. She assures me that I will come out on the other side of it enlightened, intuitive, more spiritually aware and proceed to live a purpose-driven life with this higher understanding.
Jim Morrison, Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobain 27 club Aradlo Di Crollalanza/REX Shutterstock, Matt Dunham//AP/REX Shutterstock, Stephen Sweet/REX Shutterstock
Two months later, exactly a week before my 27th birthday, we lost our jobs. I have always been typically slow to react to bad news so losing my dream job, one that I was fully obsessed with was no different. When I got off the phone call alerting me to check my emails, I walked calmly out of the apartment and onto the rooftop just to breathe and laugh out of shock. I then phoned my mother to tell her what had just happened and as she shared words of encouragement with me I could feel the build-up in my chest and the lump in my throat. Following that, I phoned my best friend and asked if she was home. I told her I was waiting for the liquor store to open before swinging by. I went on a week-long bender and then my birthday arrived and I continued to test myself until my body shut down. Looking back on those weeks in July, I cannot account for what actually kept me together physically. During one of those days, I remember laying face down in the toilet bowl throwing up a combination of red wine, vodka and pain killers. I woke up disappointed not knowing how I got to my bed in the first place and then I got angry because I was still there. That morning was the turning point for me - a reminder that there is obviously something much bigger than me that requires my presence and my involvement.
I have often joked about how my actual age shocks me sometimes because I was so committed to staying 21 over the last few years and essentially the bulk of my 20s. Part of me knows this to be true because I wanted to experience my ‘youth’ following the years in which I felt it was lost to the tragedies and traumas that forced me to grow up when all I needed to be was young and alive with possibility. Instead, I spent my time being 21 in practice while feeling aged and filled with self-hate and pity - constantly looking for my next exit plan. It was all very distorted for me, people saw and admired one version of me; that version was resilient and could overcome absolutely anything. From my lens, I had absolutely no idea who I was, let alone what I had to offer. I was committed to disappointing those around me and twice as committed to punishing myself. In the months that followed, I stayed sober until I got bored. My days became a repetition of job hunting, the endless refreshing of emails, going for interviews, rinsing and repeating. When September arrived, so did the final straw. I lost one of my best friends at the time while simultaneously parting ways with one of the more significant parts of my romantic past and I proceeded to live my life recklessly with complete disregard to stay alive until I finally came crashing down at the close of December.
Coming into the new year, I had, for the very first time in years this drive to not only stay alive but to map out my purpose aligned with my new management contract. I penned very specific goals and deadlines and I saw them through. I adjusted my lifestyle from my eating habits to my social practices which was a task in itself considering the fact that the recklessness and darkness had become a personality trait for me. I set short term goals and I began to achieve in the time I said I would. Finally, it felt like I had not only found a rhythm but I was also enjoying it and as such, opportunity began to knock. Very quickly into the year, I then received an opportunity from one of the world’s leading specialized agencies in collaboration with a leading fashion luxury house to travel to my dream destination Paris, France and share my experience at a two day long conference. In the beginning I thought it was a hoax and then I was fast reminded of how quickly and how drastically your situation can change overnight when you begin to align yourself with your purpose. These were the things that made my adrenaline rush; the things that made my picture feel less distorted.
I have often been surrounded by and linked to people who amplified how small I was because that is how I felt about myself at all times, so reclaiming my identity and then my power was the cornerstone of 2020 for me. There would be no exceptions and no adjustments. Spending as much time as I do on my own before we were sent into isolation forces me to introspect at a very intense level. For the sake of the one cliché in what appears to be an encouraging read; what I have learnt from my process is that you cannot live if you fail to be honest with yourself. I will not lie and say this side of it does not get boring and the days do not feel longer while the nights become lonelier and louder. I am glad to be present above anything else. Using my craft and my habits to forge some kind of persona in attempts to find meaning is so 2019. There is nothing more trendy than being yourself.
If there is anything that I have taken from what is happening in the world in real time, I am glad that I had the opportunity to get to know that girl and be honest about my faults and redeeming qualities in my journey to self care because if nothing else has been abundantly clear during this period, it is that none of it matters or lasts in the bigger scheme of things. What matters is that you take care of the body, mind and soul you were given and that you navigate all three accordingly as sincerely as possible for as long as you and the universe decide you can stay.
